Times are tough or they seem to be anyway. It can be pretty hard to find someone suitable for marriage and even when you do find someone, other complications can stop things going ahead.
Marriage has such a profound effect on our lives and holds an important place in Islam. No wonder it can be the cause for stress and confusion when it isn’t that simple.
From my impressions it seems that good guys are harder to find than good girls, at least in the West.
To make matters worse, traditionally it is the man who proposes and so if you don’t happen to be known by some of the better men out there you may not find a suitable husband.
It’s only natural, then, that women take initiative to find what they seek and what they are worthy of. It’s inspiring to see Muslims take initiative to get things done when it doesn’t fall into their lap. Alhamdulilah for that.
I’ve observed quite a few times that women are quick to take responsibility and then take initiative to make things right whereas men lag behind a little in that respect.
Men do step up to the challenge when they have responsibility on their shoulders, though. I’ve seen many men go from sloths to hard workers because of responsibility being dropped on them.
This got me thinking: it makes perfect sense then, for Allah to make men responsible for looking after women. This responsibility placed on us kicks life into us and makes us work hard and take initiative whereas women will take initiative regardless. SubhanAllah!
When it comes to finding a husband this initiative is a good thing for sure. It’s just that from experiences I’ve come across it sometimes lacks direction or a clear thought process and that’s when embarrassment and disappointment often creep in.
This post is based on real experiences of various people who have been approached by sisters but it didn’t work out. This wasn’t because of the sister but more because of how she chose to go about it.
Let’s get into it!
This sounds simple but SO many do NOT do it. Following these steps will help you towards your end goal and reduce stress, embarrassment and disappointment inshaAllah!
Some people will be very eager to get married only to get cold feet when they start the process. It’s important to take a critical look at yourself and ask if you truly are ready.
Responsibility is key to readiness in my opinion.
Key question: when something needs doing in the house do you view it as just your parents’ duty or your duty too?
You can get to know about someone in many ways. Through friends, family, organisations etc. You won’t know them very well because we limit our casual interactions with the opposite sex of course, but you may have heard good things.
If someone catches your interest then try to find out as much as you can without being direct. Social media is a good place to get a glimpse of what they are like (not always 100% accurate to their real life persona though) as well as asking people that know them. Always lower your gaze when needed.
Try to find out as much as you can about this person from: social media, their teachers, people they volunteer with, friends/family in common. Keep it lowkey if possible.
When stalking you should have a few things in mind:
It’s not about judging if they are good or bad. It’s about are they right for you personally.
You want to get to know as much as you can before marriage is mentioned because we all know things change a lot when we want to impress haha.
You may know your parents’ stance on you getting married. If you do then ignore this.
For the younger ladies reading you need to talk to them about it, especially your dad. It could be indirectly such as:
Let them be the authority and you are asking them for advice. Then they’ll be direct and honest. Do not mention anyone specific now, if you feel comfortable then you can let them know that you’d like to get married soon.
So you know your parents are Ok with you getting married soon and maybe you even know what kind of person they think is a good fit. With this information as well as the information about the person of interest from step 2, you can approach your parents.
Some girls feel more comfortable talking to their mum about this. That’s fine. However, either you or your mum must tell your father before anyone is contacted to show interest.
This is important!
Let’s face it, if your wali isn’t involved and isn’t on your side then what are the chances things will go ahead smoothly? Your dad must be open to the idea and you have to keep in mind how protective he will feel about his daughter wanting to initiate something.
Tell your parents that you know of this person, what you know about them and why they might be a good fit. It’s important to use the word ‘might’ and ‘maybe’ a lot! This is so your parents feel fully involved in the decision and to show that you haven’t decided anything without them. Always consult them even if you often disagree.
If your parents are open to the idea then you can proceed. If not, you might need to either talk to them about it further or end it there.
Do NOT go to step 5 unless your parents are Ok with it.
Cool, so your parents are open to it, now it’s time to find someone who knows this person of interest. Ideally it’ll be someone you know quite well and you can trust. We’ll call them the 3rd party.
Keep in mind, if the 3rd party is friends or family with the guy you’re interested in then they’ll probably be biased. That’s Ok but just keep it in mind. Also, if it’s a guy then it’s best that your brother or someone contact them.
Contact the 3rd party and mention:
If the guy is looking to get married then the 3rd party can go ahead and let him know about you with the few details you gave. Ideally the guy’s parents are told too.
Always good to have both families involved from the beginning.
So he’s looking to get married and from the information you gave him he might be interested in you…
Now you can go ahead with finding out more about each other:
The steps suggested above are a general guideline and need to be applied according to your personal circumstances. I wrote this to help the good sisters who want to take initiative but may not know how.
With all this said, now you can go ahead and safely be proactive in finding a good husband. May Allah make your pursuits fruitful!
I’d love you hear any stories/experiences you’ve heard of on this topic. Drop them below along with any further ideas or feedback!